Rethinking Resilience

I heard a woman question the value of resilience at a conference recently. She was pushing back against the idea that resilience should be honored as an important character trait. I’ve prided myself on my own resilience and admired those who display it in the wake of difficult moments. Nevertheless, I understood her point.

Does our respect for one’s ability to withstand and recover from pain inadvertently glamorize the pain? Do people get too attached to the background story of suffered loss?

Let’s face it, there is a lot of attention to be had when things go wrong. If we build connection around the narrative of overcoming, we’ll always need something to overcome. Commiserating is a very slippery slope. In this way, resilience can become a bad habit.

The dictionary defines resilience as the capacity to withstand or to recover quickly from difficulties. It denotes toughness.

I am not tough, not like that. I have no desire to withstand difficulties. And I don’t know that I consider those traits particularly healthy in the long term. Still, life does bring us challenges.

How does our notion of resilience change, if we think about it in terms of soft positive energy?

Soft positive energy? You might be thinking, is that even a thing? Well, I just made it up, so now it is. Positive energy does not always need to be bold and strong. Energy radiates and it emanates.

What if resilience is the ability to honor our feelings and take care of ourselves? The ability to reframe a disappointment so that we’re able to stay open to possibilities? Perhaps even, alchemize our feelings into wisdom and forgiveness?

If I were to write my own dictionary, I might define resilience as the capacity to transmute difficulties, rather than be consumed by them. Resiliency denotes a strength that heals.

There will always be opportunities to grow through a challenge, but we don’t always need to live inside challenges to grow.